Microsoft recently released CU1 for SCCM 2012 following its new cumulative update model. I should have clued in that it was considered a hotfix but I applied it anyway under the interest of wanting my live environment to be up to date for launch. Boy was that a mistake.
After applying CU1 my Management Point completely shut down, though I wasn't aware at the time that CU1 caused its demise. After a full weekend of uninstalling and reinstalling the MP, IIS, DP, WSUS, EP, and the Application Catalog website, I remembered that I had installed CU1 so decided to go about removing it.
Went to uninstall the patch using the usual channel (via Programs and Features) however I was unable to uninstall from there. To uninstall I had to extract the .msi from the CU1 package, right-click the MSI and select Uninstall. Once CU1 was removed, the Management Point lit right up!